In Verse

Here’s a story in a series of Haiku poems. I’m not sure why I wrote a story in Haiku (well, mainly in Haiku), but, hey, I’ve done it now. Hope it works OK!

 

A haiku contest!

Fifty pounds for the winner

Why not have a go?

 

**

 

To the editor

Here is my contest entry

I hope you like it.

 

All the very best

Jeremy Fitzwilliam

Salford, Manchester

 

**

 

Hi to our readers,

Here is the winning haiku

It really is fab!

 

‘Birds fly through the sky,

Then they poo into my eye

You call that good luck?’

 

Very well done to

Jeremy Fitzwilliam

Salford, Manchester

 

***

 

To the editor

I wrote the winning haiku

Not that Jeremy.

 

I wrote it last year

And put it on a website

People liked it lots.

 

I can’t find it now.

The site has been deleted.

But I claim the prize.

 

Jez has nicked my work.

You just cannot trust the Mancs!

Theft, plain and simple.

 

I give my regards.

Alexandria Fishman

Isle of Anglesey

 

***

Hello there Alex

(OK to call you Alex?)

Thanks for your email.

 

Without any proof

The contest result will stand.

Jeremy still wins.

 

All the best to you.

Agnes Marie Parkinson

Haiku Magazine

 

***

 

To the Editor.

I found some proof! Here it is!

From a web archive!

 

An old screenshot – here!

It distinctly shows my work!

Give me my money!

 

With warmest feelings.

Alexandria Fishman

Isle of Anglesey

 

*

 

Hi again Alex.

This shot is a clear fake.

It is Photoshopped.

 

You are a disgrace.

To Haiku-ers all around.

Hang your head in shame.

 

Send no more emails,

They will not be read by us.

Agnes Parkinson

 

*

 

Hi again Agnes.

Screw you and your magazine.

You’re a bunch of cunts.

 

I know I’m the best!

Greatest Haiku-er ever.

And I will prove it.

 

Fuck the lot of you.

Alexandria Fishman

Isle of Anglesey

 

*

 

This is the news

From the Isle of Anglesey.

A woman is jailed.

 

Alexandria Fishman

Wrote reams of angry poems,

To a magazine.

 

She believed that she

Had won a competition.

Her entry was fake.

 

She made angry threats

And used disgusting language,

Scaring all the staff.

 

The Judge told the lady

She was a danger to all,

And gave her five years.

 

*

 

Dear Governor.

Us inmates are very bored.

Here’s an idea:

 

A jail magazine,

With a poetry page

And space for Haikus.

 

We’d all like it lots

It might stop all the fighting,

Among prisoners.

 

Make me editor,

I would be the best at it.

You can count on me.

 

Yours, Alex Fishman

Prisoner 78

Cell 4, The East Wing

 

*

 

Dear Alexandria,

The prison psychological team and I fear your obsession with Haikus is getting out of control.

We note that you have written over 350 Haikus since you arrived here only three weeks ago.

We also note that most of these Haikus come in the form of threats to the Editor of Haiku Magazine, along with a man named Jeremy Fitzwilliam from Salford, Manchester.

If you continue to write these Haikus, we will have no choice but to recommend your sentence is increased by an additional five years. You will also be denied access to all forms of writing equipment.

Yours sincerely,

Frank Norman,

Prison Governor.

 

*

 

Governor Norman,

Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck

off fuck off, you twat.

 

Add on five more years

See if I fucking well care.

You self-righteous arse.

 

From Alex Fishman

Prisoner 78

Cell 4, The East Wing

 

(PS – was that a ‘no’ to the magazine idea, then?)